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My Love for Her Scares Me

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I consider myself a veteran in the field of relationships.

I am a lesbian single mother of two kids with different fathers with a long history of unsuccesful relationships and trials in the love department. I've been very stubborn when I was young, and became even more so when I reached my 30's. I've had a 4 year relationship go to waste because of a 3rd party, survived an abusive relationship, broke up with a good guy because he was "too nice" for me, had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay, got involved with a lazy bastard, had my fair share of liars, badboys, badgirls and cheaters, and recently dumped someone who took me forgranted.

After this last one, i thought I'd given up on love altogether. That was until I met her. I wrote about her first in "Feeling the Vibes with Viber". Her name is Gi (I initially called her by her viber name, Joms) and today, we officially became girlfriends. She made me the happiest girl in the world with this text message:

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I was at SnR with my sister and daughter then and I couldn't stop smiling. The cheshire cats' grin would not have held a candle to mine.

I realized I loved her for a while now. We were just casual friends chatting away on viber and though it occured to me where this may have been leading, I didn't give it much thought until the time that she introduced me to her other friends on viber too. I started waking up excited to chat and talk with her. Her voice got stuck on my mind throughout the day. She's a good listener and an attentive conversationalist. She made by brains work. Then, she made my heart beat again.

We could go on talking up until the wee hours of the morning and I'd still be missing her once we put the phone down. This was a true sign for me that I was indeed in love with her. I never sacrificed sleep for friendly conversations before. She was so sweet, upfront and caring that I missed her everytime we weren't talking on the phone or texting.

She openly told me before that she cared for me and that she was exclusively entertaining only me, *BUT* she just wasn't ready to be in a relationship just yet. She'd just also been in a break-up and wasn't up to subjecting her heart to possible pain again. This hurt me. She said she'd rather that I have her whole, than broken. It hurt me even more. I wanted to take away her pain. If I could have absorbed every bit of hurt and suffering she was going through, I would have. I loved her this much. I haven't even met her personally and I was already into her this deep.

When we finally had our first date on 28 November 2016, we hit it off and then I knew, she was the one I had been waiting for. I understood then that all those relationships I've had in the past were just lessons that I needed to understand in order to prepare me for this awesome person. I needed to be hurt by others before, because this person will never do anything to intentionally hurt me. She has been through heartbreaks and some hellish relationships as well to prepare her for me.

I haven't been this attached to a person before and it scares me. I've never had someone treat me the way she does now. I can feel every ounce of love she has for me and I am simply overflowing with love for her. All the lines I've read about love that I considered corny and cliché before, became very real to me. They had meaning, and I understood them. But I am scared. Scared of doing something that may hurt her. Scared of not doing something and end up disappointing her. Scared of not being good enough for her. Scared of the future. I know that one day, she will put all my fears to rest, but for now, my love for her scares me.

Posted by GingerFerrer 10:59 Archived in Philippines Tagged love relationships girlfriend lgbt broken_heart new_love moving_on

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